“In fact, the word “familiar” is such an understatement”

I always hear people saying that there is a reason behind everyone who comes into your life.

I kept those words in a drawer I never opened for an extensively long time, although the idea keeps cracking whenever I take a look at it.

I found that we’re only giving a nuance to something that is too plain for us, something to make its weight forgivable. At least, that realization is what I decided to hold on to.

I remember the night when I took a long way home, just for a senseless stroll without direction. It’s a mandatory thing to do every time I clocked out the office.

The place I was walking in was packed enough to be swallowed by the atmosphere. Some of them kept walking as if they knew where to go, some of them were just standing with eyes glued to the shelves—just like a clock stops ticking, and some of them were carried by the escalator, trusting it to go somewhere they’d rather be.

I trusted myself to the moving escalator back then.

I went one level higher from the place I was in. My habit of people-watching couldn’t stop my gaze from being stuck in one direction. Every corner of the place always had an interesting side to my eyes.

It all went well until this one girl coming from the opposite direction on the moving stair caught my eye.

It’s a sight I hadn’t seen for 583 days, and it took 0.23 seconds to make sure my thoughts aligned with what I saw.

The flight or fight mode kicked in, the ambiance of the place suddenly didn’t excite me anymore, putting my eyesight only focused on the vertical grooves of the escalator steps. But “what if?” always sat back in the corner of my mind.

That night was the only night I can say the name that I always mention in between words of my daily self-talk. The only night to say some words to the addressee of letters that never leave my room. And the night I wanted to do something from the bottom of my heart.

I said it loudly, three times to be exact.

The first and the second only ended as a wind passing by. But the third attempt was a success. And after a few years, the sparks between our eyes have been reignited. Or maybe I am just alone in this. So I raised my right hand, and she responded by pulling her eyebrows together. Not a single word came out from her mouth, not even my name.

We passed each other in complete silence, although my tongue was so well-rehearsed for a moment like this. I think she was trying to remember where she’d seen me. I think it’s funny to think that we’re both lost for words when we saw each other.

As we passed, everything started moving. But my eyes stuck to the escalator steps once again. The nervousness, restlessness, and jitters of a caffeine rush filled my breathing. I didn’t drink any coffee that day.

There’s one thing I am really sure: I will not be able to see this escalator the same as before. But some time after I stepped my feet on the floor tile, I felt a vibration in my pocket.

It’s a message from that addressee.

It’s hard to believe that her name shows up again on my screen, with my name mentioned in it. It looks like she actually remembered my name this time.

She said that she didn’t recognize me at the time, and she said sorry. But she’s amazed at how fast I recognized her in such a short time.

Those texts paused me. I was wordless, though I actually had some honest words that could easily answer her curiosity.

“It’s nothing. It’s only because I see someone familiar.”

My fingers typed a sentence that conflicted with my heart. In fact, the word “familiar” is an understatement.

There were countless times I went back to places I knew she wouldn’t be. There were countless times I thought I met her, only to find out it was just a lookalike. It was pointless, but at least I learned what makes her so different in my eyes.

I could make a U-turn, run to her, and have a short catch up with her to let go of all the unbearable things. But doing the opposite seems right to me. I went up and she went down, we’re not going in the same direction after all.

The last message sent in the chat room was from me a few hours ago, it was a small chit-chat I initiated just for testing the waters. I even lost sleep just waiting for replies, but they were never there until I fell asleep.

I actually got some replies the morning after, and we had a small talk there. But it didn’t lead anywhere near my expectation. Again, the last message sent in the chat room was from me, but it was left on read this time.

Looking back, I was really hoping this would turn into something more. Did it lead to something? Did this happen for a reason? Could this be something meaningful?

It did not.

Sometimes—or maybe we need to stop finding a reason behind everything that happens in our life. I know it feels good once you find the reason—especially if you’re happy with it, but in some cases, those not-yet-proven reasons make us stuck.

I am pretty sure that it’s better to embrace the nothingness. Because sometimes events are not personal messages, they’re just random happenings.

And if something does have a reason, I am sure that you’ll realize it someday, without needing to search for it.