The Choice Between Two

It’s 2019 and I was just a 16 year-old highschooler kid who had a struggle being on time to go to school. School was 10 kilometers and 25 minutes drive, but to go at 6 AM always feels impossible.

I found myself constantly anxious every morning—either about whether I’d make it on time, the homework I hadn’t done, or whether I’d be able to say “hi” to the high school crush, which probably made up 75% of my anxiety.

She lived about 10 minutes from where I did. I knew her car and what time she usually arrived at school. It was around the same as me. It’s kind of creepy, but it was a pattern that I noticed after 8 months.

I was glued to my phone, rechecking, swiping, scrolling through her social media, just to find the information on where she was while checking the traffic in between.

Then I saw her car in the middle of a traffic jam. It caught my eye. But it so made my anxiety rise to 80%.

At that one point, I knew I had a choice of two. It’s either we’d cross the street together when we’re arrived at school or we’d go our own ways. And the first choice leads into another a choice of two, say “hi” to her or stay calm so I wouldn’t sacrifice my dignity. It was a hard choice.

6:40 AM and I had just arrived across from the school. Through the glass of my car, I saw her standing there, alone, waiting for a chance to cross the street.

I got out of the car quickly, and ran to her, just to wait together to cross the street. It seemed I had chosen the first choice, which it gave me another two choices: say “hi” and talk to her or not at all.

But the reality was, there are no words, no body languages, and even no eye contact. The idea of seeing her through her eye was something I avoided. Because it made me to have a responsibility to say something to make it less awkward.

The cars on the streets stop, a sign for us to cross. The school security guard walked to the middle of the road with a whistle in his mouth, guiding the student to across safely.

There was a moment where I looked to the left to the opposite direction, and she was still looked to the right. Her eyes met mine, but mine didn’t met her’s. Again, the idea of looking into her eye made me rethink on why I had these kind of feelings.

We ended up at front of the school and we were walking side by side—with again, no words at all. It was awkward.

Then I stopped. I stopped walking even though it was 3 minutes before the bell rang. I let her to walk past me. I think I chose the second option in this moment.

I saw her back, her small school bag compared to mine, and her loose black hair held by a clip to clip her bangs.

But a few moments later, She turned her face towards me and it made the eye contact I had been avoid for.

I didn’t know what she meant. I didn’t know whether this was a chance or just a coincidence.

It felt like that one scene in Ada Apa Dengan Cinta? movie. The one where Cinta left Rangga in the bookstore.

Then she quickly turned forward and continue to walk fast to reach the class before the bell.

Confusion filled my thoughts that morning. A question on what was the reason behind of that gesture.

But what I really knew is, I had chosen the second choice.

“Maybe, I can do it another day”

P.S. Actually this was a writing written by 18 year old me in Notion and I just found it again after 3.5 years.